Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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