First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
