lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
