yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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