some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
