your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
