ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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