I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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