Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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