The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
