So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
