i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
