I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
