where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
