I accidentally had phone sex last night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
