i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
