I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I could make wine with my vomit
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
