Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
