you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
