You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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