you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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