When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
