just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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