Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
