Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
