You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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