dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
