two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
