There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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