I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
