Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
