A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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