he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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