Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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