I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
