so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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