I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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