we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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