Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
