My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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