I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
