he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Vodka?
Forever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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