she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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