I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
