So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
