I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
