my phone needs a breathalizer
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
