So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
