I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
