Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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