Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
